Feministing

 
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I’m a 29 year old female and am hooking up with this guy I don’t particularly like. He’s kind of sleazy and we don’t get along as people at all but the sex is HOT. He spanks me, slaps me across the face, calls me a whore, and I love it. But I always leave our encounters with this dirty feeling and I’m so embarrassed when I share details about our hookups with my friends. I’m a feminist! I’m supposed to be better than this! How do I reconcile the shit I want in bed with my politics?

I don’t know if you ever watched Sex and The City, but there’s a great scene where Samantha (the horny one) is telling the rest of the gals about role playing with her current paramour that he is robbing her, then fucks her, all the while telling her to “shut the fuck up.” Charlotte, who most remember as the prude of the group, exclaims “that’s not funny! Violence against women is a very serious issue!” Samantha replies, in one of the only moments where her brash commentary stands the test of time, that “it’s just fantasy,” and it isn’t hurting anybody.

If you like it and it isn’t hurting anyone, no one is going to come and take away your feminist card for having the sex you want.

The same goes for you. This guy may be a sleaze and calling you a whore, but if you like it and it isn’t hurting anyone, no one is going to come and take away your feminist card for having the sex you want. In fact I believe the point of feminism is that you have the right to do whatever you want with your body and your life overall. However, I do feel your pain if you run in particularly feminist crowds and your friends are giving you shit, either overtly or passive aggressively. If this is the case, you have to consider what to share with your friends. I have a theory that we solicit advice from our friends already knowing what we’re going to get back. If you brought this story to your friend that universally thinks all men are trash, maybe subconsciously you wanted her to condemn what you’ve been doing. So take a look at that. Would you be feeling bad about this if you weren’t sharing the wrong details with the wrong people? Maybe you don’t need to add that additional layer of judgement into your psyche.

Then there’s the angle of not particularly liking this guy. If you feel he doesn’t respect you or doesn’t have a sex positive attitude about what you’re doing it’s important to consider the lasting effects on you emotionally of being sexually vulnerable with someone you don’t feel good about. But if you’re having fun - fuck it! We learn a lot about ourselves through sex, and maybe this sleaze is in your life to teach you a lesson. Go with god. You have my feminist blessing to do what you want. That’s the whole point of feminism.

Comparing

 
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I’m 31 years old, female, and am subbing for the first time with a Dom I met on Tinder. He’s great and we get along, but when we get back to the bedroom I get the sense that I’m not as advanced as other subs he’s played with and it makes me really insecure. Like sometimes he’ll casually suggest things that I consider to be really extreme, like putting clothespins on me, and when I call my safe word he seems a little surprised. How do I deal with feeling like a wimp??

Every. Sub. Feels. This. On some level. If you don’t, hit me up. I want to put you in a cage and study you. But trust me, even the subs who are doing biweekly subdermal needle play are thinking to themselves - shit, there’s probably some sub out there who’s really good at dealing with an open flame. There’s always going to be some “the sub is always tougher on the other side of the fence” scenario. It’s important to remember that every sub is a snowflake, with his or her own unique set of kinks and limits that make them special. It’s the play that emerges from figuring all this out that’s fun. D/s isn’t about applying the same exact pressures to every sub, it’s about finding a way of playing that suits the particular Dom (and sub) at that moment in time. It’s psychological. So if getting hit with a riding crop catapults you straight into sub space, be excited to know yourself well enough to know what works.

Furthermore, some Doms go to extreme lengths to find subs that are different from each other. If they’re all the same, what fun is that? I’ve heard of Doms who have specific subs for specific needs, such as an “ass girl,” etc. Try to focus on your strengths. Maybe you’re great at giving head. Maybe you love getting paddled. You could be paddle girl and not even know it. Revel in being wanted, don’t criticize yourself for imagined shortcomings. You’re great.

Also a P.S. - plenty of Doms and subs meet on Tinder. If you saw that and raised your eyebrows, know that “tinder” isn’t shorthand for some kind of shitty situation anymore.

Wishing

 
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I’m a cis gay man in his late twenties living in a large and pretty kink-friendly city on the west coast. My boyfriend and I have been together a little over a year. I’ve subbed on kind  of a sliding scale for a while now. He knows about my past experiences and we’ve played with BDSM a little but are vanilla about 75% of the time. He wants to get better at domming me and I definitely want him to too, but he’s at a loss of how to do it. And so am  I! A lot of times when we’re having sex things will start out fun and kinky then suddenly drop and I’m left feeling judgmental of him. I don’t want to hurt his feelings by being overly critical, but it just isn’t working and I want it to since I really like him in every other way. How can I help him be his dommiest self without being too bossy?

I, like you, am not a switch. So I’ll leave the domming to the Doms and address your concerns, little sub. You’re afraid of “topping from the bottom” as they say, and I don’t blame you. It kind of defeats the whole purpose of being able to give over control and lose yourself in the scene. And when your boyfriend unexpectedly drops the kinkiness, it can leave you feeling abandoned. Be clear with yourself about whether your judgement of his abilities as a Dom would go away if he were to improve his technique, or if there’s something about him as a person or the way your relationship has been up to this point that would make it hard for you to submit to him. Because there’s a big difference.

Assuming it’s just technique based, here’s what I’ve developed to side-step the whole topping from the bottom issue - the art of the sexy suggestion. If you want something from your Dom but don’t want to feel like you’re forcing him into it, bring it up during pillow talk. If you already have a good aftercare regimen where you talk to each other, that can be a great time to tell him about this fantasy you have where he ties you up with jute rope and makes you kneel in uncooked rice while he spits in your face - or what have you. If he doesn’t know how to tie you up, then this is a great time to suggest doing a class together. Do a little googling together and find something in your area. Many big cities with kink scenes have classes to be found. Whether it’s a shibari workshop or a good old domming class, maybe this will set him along the path to doing a little more research. And along the way, you’ll have plenty of fun watching him discover this. It’s an adventure you’re both on. Enjoy it.

Communicating

 
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I’m playing with a Dom right now who is very strict about proper communication. He had me turn on read receipts for our texts and is very stern about me giving him prompt responses. But sometimes he’ll text me when I’m at work and it stresses me out knowing I can’t answer for a while and will probably get punished if it takes me too long. What do I do?

The best way to get ahead of unavoidable or continuous rule breaking is to get ahead of it. Before you go into work on a day you might hear from him, shoot him a cute text: “on my way to work right now, Sir, and I’ll be thinking of serving You all day. May I please have permission to take some extra time to respond to Your texts if things get crazy here?”

If your relationship isn’t at a stage where you feel comfortable texting him apropos of nothing, discuss with him in person a way around leaving him on read. Maybe an agreed-upon emoji you can promptly send that means you’re in the thick of it and will reply later? Or maybe to reasonably submit you need to change that expectation altogether? Or do you need to just buckle down and take the punishment he’s doling out? I know in my early days of subbing I would feel so guilty leading up to a punishment that I blew the situation way out of proportion in my head, often not realizing that receiving 5 canes for something isn’t all that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things. Once again, it comes down to finding something that’s realistic for you and communicating about it in advance, before you feel like you’ve failed him and his rules.

Fantasizing

 
Homage to Leon by Shin-hyerim

Homage to Leon by Shin-hyerim

I’m a cis female with an impregnation fantasy but my boyfriend and I use condoms as our only birth control. I want him to try pretending he didn’t pull out in time but he says he feels corny about it because there’s obviously still a condom on his dick. Any suggestions?

Have him pretend the condom broke. But your pussy feels too good for him to pull out to check. “Uh oh! What if I’m impregnating you right now?! It feels too good I can’t stop!”

Done. You’re welcome.

Belonging

 

I’m a 28 year old female and identify as a bedroom sub because occasionally I’ll play around with D/s in bed. My problem is that I’ve been playing with a more serious Dom off and on and I’m kind of starting to catch feelings. He’s been really specific that this is casual play but sometimes he’ll say in a scene that I belong to him and whatnot and my heart jumps a little. I would definitely be really happy if he wanted to date beyond casual hookups but I also don’t mind the casual thing. What do you do when your feelings get in the way of an easy situation??

So first of all I should outline for the scandalized vanilla reader that this kind of talk about ownership during a scene is perfectly routine. I know what you’re thinking though, “How unclear of him to say she belongs to him but then insist on causal play!” I know. But the contract of D/s is that the Dom owns you for an agreed upon duration and in negotiated ways. Whether you’re collared for life or for the evening, power exchange blooms out of this acknowledgment of ownership. But yes, I completely understand your dilemma. There you are, drooling around your ball gag, giddy from a good beating, being held by this guy you’re attracted to, and you’re not NOT going to feel a little frisson of something. That’s human nature. So you’re going to feel it. What do you do? As I see it you have two choices. There’s the classic BDSM approach, which is not whips and chains but COMMUNICATION. Talk to him about it. But there’s a way to do this thoughtfully. You have to know what outcome you want before you bring it up. Do you want to date? Do you want to go on casually playing but have him alter his language a little bit, as feeling this emotional attachment may have become a soft or even hard limit for you? If you do choose to bring it up, do so in a sober moment. Based on your dynamic this may be before a scene even begins, during aftercare, or even after you’ve put your clothes back on and are getting ready to go home. Whenever you feel the clearest and least vulnerable. Be direct, honest, and upbeat. It’s not a death sentence that you have feelings for someone you’re fucking. This happens all the time. One thing you’ll need to think about though is how serious of a Dom he is. If you’re a bedroom sub and he’s looking for a partner that can live the lifestyle 24/7, then you guys might be basically incompatible in a way you may not even want to touch.

That said, your other option is to use the power of your mind to eroticize the butterflies. I think subs have incredible brain power. You’ve managed to reclaim this thing that society has told you time and time again is dirty and wrong and weak, and not only admitted you find it hot, but have taken steps to actually do it (not just watch porn about it). You used your wits to find and identify a good Dom, you’ve played out scenes being pleasing to him and followed his rules and have been invited back. You can do anything. So what I’d propose you do if you don’t want to talk about it (or if you’d like to buy yourself some time to figure out how you’re feeling) is to eroticize the feelings. Try to make them sexy and deviant. Try thinking something that resonates with your sexual self-talk - “It’s a good thing he doesn’t know what I’m thinking or he’d beat me even harder.” That kind of thing. And if that doesn’t become your new kink (yay new kinks!) it will at least help you stretch out some time before you have to have that scary clothes-on discussion about your feelings.

Positioning

 
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Straight female here. I’m really interested in being submissive in bed but I can only cum when I’m on top during sex. Aren’t subs not allowed to be on top?

Specific Doms may vary but a sub can do anything their Dom orders them to. If serving your Dom means riding his cock on top, then that’s submission. If your Dom wants you to peg him, that’s submission. Of course, your Dom may not be overly concerned with your orgasm, but giving him this information in advance equips him to give you a treat if you’ve earned it.