I’m a 20 something bi female, collared to a 30 something straight male Dom. He has other play partners, but I am His primary. He has recently brought up having a threesome with me and one of his other partners, but I’m nervous. I want to try it but I’m worried about it getting messy. How do I figure out if this is something I can do?

Hello from a fellow bi sub! Threesomes are a hot button issue in our culture and an exceedingly common sexual fantasy, but in execution they can be messy, confusing, and downright fraught. As a bi woman who, unfortunately, has been with a number of cis men who fetishized her bi-ness, I have been offered quite a few threesomes in my life. But before I was collared to my Dom, I could never go through with them. Why? Because, to me, vanilla sex between two people is confusing enough. I knew adding a whole additional person into the mix would be like throwing dynamite at a wood chipper. No thanks.

A D/s threesome, however, can be the exact opposite. Under the direction of an empathetic Dom that knows and understands your boundaries, they can be a delightful experience (I’ve now had somewhere in the double digits of this kind of threesome). For this to work, you’ll have to equip your Dom with what your triggers might be around this issue so that he can structure this more complicated scene around your concerns and comfort. If sex is a game of battleship, you need to turn your board around and show your Dom what he’s working with, not just let him hit and miss at random. Some things you can’t anticipate until they happen, but others are no brainers. I, for example, have been cheated on in the past, so I knew that feeling like I was being compared to another sub and found wanting would be difficult for me. However, sometimes I’ll meet another sub with my Dom and get along with her very well and think she’s attractive, but then suddenly in scene I won’t want to kiss or touch her and would prefer for my Dom to keep us separate, and He and I have developed a way for me to signal that to Him. It’s all about being ready to catch yourself feeling a certain way and being able to communicate your feelings clearly.

My advice for you would be to slow roll this as much as possible. Talk about threesomes over dinner, during pillow talk, over drinks. Think about the ins and outs and get an understanding of what your Dom wants out of the situation, and consider whether that jives with your image of the perfect threesome. Then take it to the bedroom. Incorporate some hypothetical threesome scenarios into your dirty talk and see where your subconscious takes you (pun alert). Then, when you’re aggressively comfortable with the idea, begin to discuss with your Dom who might be a good person to start with. If you like the familiarity of someone he’s already played with that knows his rules, by all means choose that person. My advice, though, would be to pick someone entirely new so that you’re not blindsided by an existing rapport between your Dom and another sub. Maybe that’s just my cheating triggers talking, but I think it makes it easier to approach the idea of a threesome if the third knows both you and your Dom equally well, and everything is starting from scratch. Good luck!