I’m a 29 year old female and am hooking up with this guy I don’t particularly like. He’s kind of sleazy and we don’t get along as people at all but the sex is HOT. He spanks me, slaps me across the face, calls me a whore, and I love it. But I always leave our encounters with this dirty feeling and I’m so embarrassed when I share details about our hookups with my friends. I’m a feminist! I’m supposed to be better than this! How do I reconcile the shit I want in bed with my politics?

I don’t know if you ever watched Sex and The City, but there’s a great scene where Samantha (the horny one) is telling the rest of the gals about role playing with her current paramour that he is robbing her, then fucks her, all the while telling her to “shut the fuck up.” Charlotte, who most remember as the prude of the group, exclaims “that’s not funny! Violence against women is a very serious issue!” Samantha replies, in one of the only moments where her brash commentary stands the test of time, that “it’s just fantasy,” and it isn’t hurting anybody.

If you like it and it isn’t hurting anyone, no one is going to come and take away your feminist card for having the sex you want.

The same goes for you. This guy may be a sleaze and calling you a whore, but if you like it and it isn’t hurting anyone, no one is going to come and take away your feminist card for having the sex you want. In fact I believe the point of feminism is that you have the right to do whatever you want with your body and your life overall. However, I do feel your pain if you run in particularly feminist crowds and your friends are giving you shit, either overtly or passive aggressively. If this is the case, you have to consider what to share with your friends. I have a theory that we solicit advice from our friends already knowing what we’re going to get back. If you brought this story to your friend that universally thinks all men are trash, maybe subconsciously you wanted her to condemn what you’ve been doing. So take a look at that. Would you be feeling bad about this if you weren’t sharing the wrong details with the wrong people? Maybe you don’t need to add that additional layer of judgement into your psyche.

Then there’s the angle of not particularly liking this guy. If you feel he doesn’t respect you or doesn’t have a sex positive attitude about what you’re doing it’s important to consider the lasting effects on you emotionally of being sexually vulnerable with someone you don’t feel good about. But if you’re having fun - fuck it! We learn a lot about ourselves through sex, and maybe this sleaze is in your life to teach you a lesson. Go with god. You have my feminist blessing to do what you want. That’s the whole point of feminism.