Switching

 
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Hey! bi trans guy here - a sub too. I used to think i was switch but since being in a long term relationship (which has really let me explore my sexual self beyond fantasy) I have begun to see myself as a sub only. My boyfriend, however, is a switch and sometimes he really wants me to mildly dominate him. I don’t mind, and i will do it happily, but i know i’m not very good and it makes it hard for me to ever do it like it’s smooth and natural. He is fairly monogamous so bringing someone else in (especially since we aren’t that old) is fairly tricky - what do?

Hello, little sub! First of all, congratulations on having the courage to explore yourself and identify what you want within this long term relationship. Society places a ton of emphasis on relationships as a key way we come of age, and while that can be very problematic, there’s also a truth to using the safety of a well-constructed intimacy to experiment with who you are and learn about yourself.

Your problem makes perfect sense to me. If I had to get up and dominate somebody tomorrow, I’d be totally freaked. However, I think I have a little hack to suggest so that on those occasions that your partner wants to be dommed, you can take the reins… but only kind of. Try having your partner send you a text on a certain day saying something like “you’re going to dominate me tonight. When you come in the door, you’re going to order me to kneel, tape my wrists behind my back, then order me to untie your shoes with my teeth…” Or something along those lines. Maybe it would be easier for you to dip your toe into domination if you felt a little more directed in the “script” of your scene. Then, as you get more comfortable, you can start to write the script yourself!

In the mainstream vanilla world, consent issues abound partially because people are afraid to explicitly discuss what is on the table for a specific sexual encounter. They think it will take the mystery out of it.

In the mainstream vanilla world, consent issues abound partially because people are afraid to explicitly discuss what is on the table for a specific sexual encounter. They think it will take the mystery out of it. But in BDSM land, where the stakes are higher, we kind of have to eliminate shyness from the table and just talk about stuff. And guess what? IT’S SUPER HOT. You can use this to your advantage as you start to explore domination. You can ask your partner what they might like said or done in a scene, then deploy those things at your discretion.

I am not a switch, but having been in a very intimate long-term relationship with my Dom, I can attest that domination is truly a practice. It takes time to identify your style and hone your skills. Some skills take years to perfect - like rope rigging - while others, such as using basic impact toys and more simple restraints, require less time to master. So know that practice will make perfect, and always always always maintain an open discussion with your partner about his limits and boundaries, particularly before a scene and when giving him aftercare. The more transparency you have with each other in this journey, the better.

Good luck to you and happy switching!!