Assuming

 
Image by  @willcottonnyc

Hi!! Just wanted to say that I just now found your page and it’s already become a super valuable resource for me that I’m totally gonna share with partners. Thank you so much!

That also being said.. I’ve been having trouble finding a dom. because I’m a male-bodied hairy/fit person on the outside, people kind of always assume that I’m gonna be the dominant. Which is okay sometimes, but how should I go about finding a proper femme dom without making people feel like I’m still exerting some kind of dommy masc behavior?  (They/them pronouns preferred)

Hello dear one! Thank you for writing in and for the kind words about the page!

As the old saying goes, to assume makes an ass out of you and me… and precludes one of us from getting their ass beat like they want to. No matter who you are, a sub’s seach for a proper Dom is going to be fraught and challenging. Just like any other kind of dating! But there are ways to make it easier for yourself. First off, may I suggest queer women? I know a shit ton of bi/pan switchy ladies who would like nothing more than a hairy partner to (lovingly, ethically) beat. But where to find these ladies? Well there’s always the apps, FetLife, and parties in your city. If you’re going to go on the apps, put what you’re looking for in your bio so you don’t have to painstakingly explain your kinks to each new partner. That way, uninterested folks can self-select out. If you’re going to a party - put on a cute little harness or a collar and give people something to ask you about that’s a good jumping-off point to a cheeky comment about how you’re just a lost lil sub looking for their big, bad femme Dom.

As for exerting dommy masc behavior, there’s a difference between being toxic and being communicative. And you know where that line is. Gently and coyly (or just clearly) stating your desires is helpful and HOT. Women who are attracted to hairy-bodied, fit folks have dealt with so much unclear, wishy-washy, confusing BS in their dating lives that if you come through with some clearly defined parameters and basic good manners, you’re going to look like the second coming of Non-Binary Jesus.

So I guess the answer is to put yourself out there. Be clear about what you want, and don’t be afraid of rejection. Welcome it. Welcome all the people who don’t get you as nothing but flies on the windshield as you speed towards your best life. Put those wipers on from time to time and just keep going.

Be clear about what you want, and don’t be afraid of rejection. Welcome it. Welcome all the people who don’t get you as nothing but flies on the windshield as you speed towards your best life. Put those wipers on from time to time and just keep going.