Cucking

 
Photo by  @thatdeeguy

Photo by @thatdeeguy

I have a question about cucking for you. My D and I have discussed the idea of adding another(s) to our play.  The *idea* sounds hot to me, but when I actually think about him with another woman I ✨do not✨ like it! I know that he thinks I would love it. And it's not a hard no from me, in fact I am aware that my limits will change as my horizons broaden and as I experience new things. But what about the jealousy on my part?  How to deal with it?  Is it normal?  Thanks for you help!  

I don’t know if you know this, but I am the unofficial Mayor of Cuck City, population me. I love to get cucked. For those of you who don’t know, “cucking” refers to watching your partner be intimate with someone else. There is sometimes eroticized humiliation and degradation associated with the act, but not always. But basically when you engage in cucking play, you are essentially playing with eroticized jealousy. Because the whole essence of the idea is that your partner is choosing someone else over you, and you’re left to watch.

For those of you who don’t know, “cucking” refers to watching your partner be intimate with someone else. There is sometimes eroticized humiliation and degradation associated with the act, but not always. But basically when you engage in cucking play, you are essentially playing with eroticized jealousy.

I do a lot of pondering on how I got here, and how I could have predicted that I would be into this more “out there” kink. I think a lot of my sexual fantasies prior to my BDSM Sexual Awakening™ revolved around voyeurism, then, unexpectedly, my jealousies and past trauma around cheating took on a new hue when my Dom demonstrated to me time and time again that I could trust Him and rely on the boundaries and respect set forth in our relationship. The shitty things that had happened in my past relationships, when recolored in the context of our dynamic, became…. sexy? Suddenly I wanted Him to not want me, but, like, in a fun way? The human brain is magical and I will never stop being amazed by it.

But it wasn’t always a waterslide straight into the cucking deep end. We had many talks before introducing this kind of play, and when we first discussed playing with others, I was violently opposed. Just as I had been with caging/confinement play, age play, and humiliation and degradation, which I later learned to love. This violent opposition looked like this big, oversized, body reaction like, “OH NO ABSOLUTELY NOT NO I COULD NEVER!” But then I would obsess on it and obsess on it, until ultimately I would admit that this recoil reaction really was about my repressed desire to actually explore doing the thing.

But how did I know the difference between this and what I actually wasn’t into? I didn’t have a reaction to things I wasn’t into. It was that simple. “Oh, drinking pee, you say? Meh. Not for me.” See the difference? Then of course there were always the things that made me truly sad, like the idea of my Dom sleeping with someone else if I wasn’t there. That just bummed me out. So maybe those feelings or something like them are playing out inside of you and you can meditate on it. Or maybe I’m alone in this! I just like to lay bare the inner workings of my subby brain for you all just in case it sparks something that might help.

So back to your foray into cucking. If after journaling, talking to your Dom, talking to sympathetic friends, talking to your therapist, fantasizing about it, and dirty talking about it you feel that you might want to dip your toe in the water, here’s how to avoid jealousy:

  1. Make A Plan: talk with your Dom about what may or may not make you uncomfortable. Have him tell you exactly what activities are on offer that evening. Are you going to be tied up in the corner with a ball gag in, totally ignored until aftercare time? Or will he involve you throughout? Will there be oral sex? Penetrative? Would it make you feel better to work your way up to watching him have penetrative sex with another partner? My article for Salty on threesomes might be helpful in structuring the lead up to a full cucking. I, for one, have to get to know a new partner before jumping straight into seeing my Dom with her (and I outline how we approach this in my article). But everyone is different.

  2. Establish Safe Words: Even the best laid plans can cause unexpected jealousy. And that is ok! Establish early on with your Dom that your safe words can be called at any time - even if you’re not involved in the activity, even if you’re across the room. You need let go of the idea of being “cool” or accommodating or polite in this setting, and if something upsets you, know you can immediately yank the rip cord and call your safe word. Because if you don’t, out of a feeling of not wanting to kill the mood, you’ll be allowing your Dom to be the bad guy and hurt you, when that is the last thing he wants. If you’ve read my BDSM Basics guide for Ask A Sub Patreon subscribers, you know how I feel about Yellow and Red and why they are the best option for safe words.

  3. Have fun! It can be hard to remember amid all the planning and the theorizing about how you’re going to handle the introduction of this new kinky activity, but the point of trying new things is to let go and let your Dom take care of you. If you do decide to do this, it should feel thrilling and titillating, not scary and intimidating. If you’re not having fun, it’s not right.

It has to be said that even if you make an airtight plan, jealousy may still arise and you may discover that this particular kink isn’t for you. And that’s ok! There’s a pervasive feeling among newer subs that if you’re not into EVERYTHING that you aren’t a “real” sub. BULL. SHIT. The only parameter needed for being a sub is sometimes enjoying power exchange play. The rest you can take or leave. Your validity doesn’t rest solely on your kinks.

There’s a pervasive feeling among newer subs that if you’re not into EVERYTHING then you aren’t a “real” sub. BULL. SHIT. The only parameter needed for being a sub is sometimes enjoying power exchange play. The rest you can take or leave. Your validity doesn’t rest solely on your kinks.

Best of luck to you in your exploration! Take it slow and remember there is absolutely no rush. This is a big deal! And should be approached soberly and calmly.