Divulging

 
Image via  @giuliajrosa

Image via @giuliajrosa

Hi Lina, I want to ask you an anonymous question. I am getting out of a long marriage and, for a period of about 4 mos., had my first sub relationship. It was a very satisfying fwb, once weekly situation. The dom was good with boundaries and we agreed on scenes in writing in advance of our meetings, which worked well for us. However, I started to get weirded out when he shot down suggestions of visiting his place rather than mine. It's also clear now that despite my asking (so that I can feel safe) he will not divulge his workplace or his home address. He insists that he is not married. I cut the relationship off for this reason, because I can't think of any good, healthy reason why he would not share this information. I also feel it's not equitable, since he has only ever visited my place and will not go out on dates, etc. as a nsa fwb. I know where my boundaries lie, but I guess my question for you is whether this is standard practice in the d/s community? Many thanks.

Hello my dear! Thank you for writing in. Let’s dive in, shall we? A disclaimer - short of being in this guy’s head, I can’t say for sure what was going on here. There’s the world where he is ashamed of his kinks and worries that if something went wrong between you two that you might out him in his workplace. There’s the world where he’s married and lying. Or, alternatively, he’s in a Don’t Ask Don’t Tell open arrangement with his primary partner that allows him to seek satisfaction for his kinks outside of the relationship and a term of his doing so is not to disclose his address or that he is in one of these relationships. Maybe he’s embarrassed of his home or work. Maybe, maybe, maybe.

Any number of things could be going on with him, but the point is that no matter what was going on, it didn’t work for you. And that is ok! This isn’t “standard” in the kink community, just like nothing is particularly standard in a community defined by being a subculture. I have heard of some Doms having subs for certain purposes and keeping them in a rotation (an ass sub, a sub that loves impact, etc, etc) but with that kind of arrangement, ideally there comes some transparency. It’s true that more kinksters are closeted than vanilla folks, but if his reticence to bring you into his inner circle makes it hard for you to submit and to trust him, then there’s no need to push yourself to be ok with something that makes you uncomfortable. Just as I would tell a queer person not to date someone closeted if for them it meant back-tracking on their journey of self-acceptance, the same goes for you.

If his reticence to bring you into his inner circle makes it hard for you to submit and to trust him, then there’s no need to push yourself to be ok with something that makes you uncomfortable. Just as I would tell a queer person not to date someone closeted if for them it meant back-tracking on their journey of self-acceptance, the same goes for you.

All that said, you’re obviously still thinking about him and this. If you’ve already addressed the situation with him ad nauseam, you can let it go. But if you feel it’s worth one last attempt, maybe it’s worth reassuring him that whatever his circumstances are, you can be discreet about his personal details and promise if the relationship were to end to treat him with the respect and dignity you expect in return. The trust goes both ways there. And if that’s still not enough? Leave him to his own secretive devices and go out in search of what would make you truly happy. You’re fresh out of a marriage and this was only your first brush with your fantasies! Go to munches, get on the apps, and see what else is out there in the wide world of kink. It isn’t just this guy and his secrets.