Exploring

 
Image by @ wildwolfleatherwork  / Model is  @sierramckenzie0

I’m currently exploring a D/s relationship with my Sir since May. Although we’ve met once (we live in the same city), we never had a scene IRL.  I know he has a family, and many family issues but says he is separated. I am legally separated too. We talk, play in erotic fantasy and text. I write him long essays of my passions when he prompts me to. He can make me cum on command over the phone. I met him once, to observe him take over a scene with another sub. I’ve asked him on several occasions to be meet with me. I want to be taken over but he’s resistant and says he hasn’t decided whether to host me or not. I’m not sure if I should look for someone else. I’m falling for him, and I’ve spoken to him on the phone while he is with other subs (they may include me somehow). I’m sort of unsure where to go from here. If I question or set boundaries, he will abandon me for a week (no communication) he’s a pro and has a harem but I’m not sure what he wants to do with me. I need to be dominated and need some direction. Any advice you could help me with would be appreciated. Thank you xx

Hello, dear one. I’m so sorry you find yourself in such a tender position. Let’s start here - if I told you about a kink dynamic where a sub went over to a Dom’s place and he cucked her with other subs, beat her, had sex with her, then told her to get out and sent her home with no aftercare - that would be wrong, right? We’d be up in arms about this. We’d be flipping tables. This is NOT ok.

This is no trivial shit we’re messing around in with BDSM. This is the big leagues.

Which is exactly why I have so much trouble with kink over the phone and long-distance kink. In person, the experience of being dominated is intense and encompassing. Sometimes the endorphins and adrenaline of impact can cause a sub to go into an altered state of mind we call sub space, and the comedown from sub space, if not navigated correctly by a caring and invested Dom, can leave a sub in what’s called sub drop, which can feel like withdrawal or even a deep depression. This is no trivial shit we’re messing around in with BDSM. This is the big leagues. So even among trusting partners that have played in person long before moving the dynamic online or over the phone, problems can abound. If your partner isn’t there to give you proper aftercare - hold you, tell you you’re good, check in on how everything felt for you - your brain may not be able to transition from the intensity of a scene to regular life. There’s a reason aftercare is partially non-verbal (cuddling). I’m no trained professional, but that non-verbal, physical component to aftercare can help with not leaving you in fight-or-flight mode. Along with consent, negotiation, and safe words, it’s what separates BDSM play from abuse.

And it seems that you’re feeling this with your current Dom. You’re being strung along and left hanging. You’ve told him your desires, you’ve stated your boundaries, and he reacts to this vulnerability by disappearing. This kind of withdrawal of affection or attention is in itself punishing. It’s abandonment. And it’s not how a responsible Dom behaves when he’s been entrusted with the gift of your submission.

So what do you do?

I’m not a big fan of ultimatums unless the situation absolutely warrants it. Yours does. I think you should approach him and say “here is what I need, or I’m blocking your number and this is over.” He knows he can string you along, as he has been doing. Honestly, I worry about even giving him a second chance seeing as this is how he’s behaved, but perhaps there are shades here I can’t see. Even if people are poly, or have a harem of subs, they cannot take on more partners than they can treat with dignity and basic respect. And there is a way to have a casual dynamic that has respect in it. And the way to do that is CLARITY. If a Dom tells a sub “this is what our relationship is,” then the sub can let go within those boundaries. But if a further level of intimacy is being dangled, potentially contingent on your good behavior or of your ability to prove yourself, that becomes a toxic and vicious cycle.

The language of BDSM supports a narrative of a submissive earning a Dom’s approval and attention, but we know this is actually make believe. Your submission must be earned in return, and if he isn’t treating that gift with the reverence it deserves, it’s time to hit the snooze button on him and let him come back around if or when he’s ready to be the Dom you have a right to. Take the many things this relationship has taught you about yourself, your sexuality, your passions, and save them tied up in a red bow for the partner who can receive them the way you wish them to be received.

There is a way to have a casual dynamic that has respect in it. And the way to do that is CLARITY.

And, once that snooze button is hit, the vengeful little minx in me says if he follows you on social media, make sure to make it clear you’re having a grand old time without him ;)