Hey Lina! 👋🏻 discovered you through Salty and just read through your blog posts and even took the BDSM quiz you linked in one of them (100% brat over here, which I figured I would be!). Needless to say, I love your work. Maybe you get asked this a lot, but I have a question for you... what is the best app/website out there for finding other more kink-minded folk? I’ve tried FetLife but I really didn’t like the experience, and I’ve scoured Reddit’s r/BDSM page for suggestions and haven’t seen a lot. I HAVE seen people list Tinder as a great resource for this, but I’m nervous about putting my preferences on my profile because of the kind of responses I might get from fuckin’ weirdos. I guess I just have to weed through the bullshit to find the gems, right?
Also, do you have any suggestions for a resource for BDSM communities/parties in major cities? I travel for work and often stay in one place for a few weeks, and I would love to experience a city that way. Thanks in advance!
Ahhhhhhhhh apps. Apps, apps, apps. Kink is, in its nature, a decentralized sub-culture. Pun at least partially intended. So how do you gather people who reject the norm into a normative system like an app? It’s challenging. You basically have two choices with the apps. If you have a lot of energy, you can swipe indiscriminately with no info about your kinks in your bio, and onboard each person you match with individually into what you’re looking for. Or, if you have less energy to sift, you can pony up for Tinder premium (or what have you) and put your truth in your bio while controlling who sees your profile. Sure, you’ll get some weirdos, but think of it this way — every time someone presents as weird on an app, they’re just saving you the energy of finding out later. You absolutely do have to weed through the bullshit to find the gems. And your gut knows which is which. Follow it.
You absolutely do have to weed through the bullshit to find the gems. And your gut knows which is which. Follow it.
Beyond Tinder, there are the kink apps. FetLife, in my experience, is much better for finding parties and munches than it is for finding individuals. r/BDSM has been much derided for things like this, which, while highly meme-able, are not representative of a real kink community and may as well be fiction.
Apps are also location specific. Where I live, I’ve had the most luck with Tinder and Feeld. Other places I hear OkCupid is good. Your best bet is to get on everything and start swiping. You won’t find a lot of experienced kinksters on the apps, even on more specific ones like Whiplr, but you can find people who are interested and who might want to play a little. And you can always do your second or third date at a domination/submission class. The thing is, there aren’t a ton of kinksters around in general. But it seems more and more that the population that is interested in kink is growing. And you can grow it by exploring the things you like (safely and slowly) with new partners!
In terms of parties - again, highly site-specific. Recently I was in Portland, and all we has to do while there was Google “sex party Portland” before we were met with several thoughtfully written articles in alt periodicals with all the info we needed. But again, that kind of info can be found on FetLife and even MeetUp depending on where you are. So the answer, little one, is to just start looking! It will take some time. Finding vanilla sexual satisfaction can be hard enough, so us kinksters have to work extra hard to find something right. Which is why it’s important to be an adult and keep your campsite clean. Many kinky folks have recurring friends with benefits that help them blow off their kinky steam from time to time, and it’s important to be a good and thoughtful partner to those people even if you have no intention of having a more involved relationship with them. And as your community grows, as you go to your local female-friendly sex store for BDSM classes, or learn to tie shibari, or hit up a munch even if it scares you a little, you’ll broaden your circles and begin to find your right place - hopefully on your knees with your hands tied behind your back ;)