Talking

 
Image by  @kaanakaya

Image by @kaanakaya

Hi I’m a new follower only due to finding you on my gf’s follow list. She is a sub and I’m new to all this and I don’t think I’m adapting very well. 

In a nutshell she wants to be taken care of and I can do that, but I’m don’t know what to do during sex. We do talk during sex but she wants me to talk to her as a Daddy Dom. 

Do you have any advice?

First of all, props to you on beginning this journey and wanting to give your girlfriend what she wants. Being a Dom is hard work. Doms are the ones who need to learn all the skills required to execute impact, bondage, etc. They also need to learn how to be vulnerable and sensitive enough to provide proper aftercare. But I’m going to level with you. You’re lucky. Your girlfriend could be a rope bunny and want you to learn shibari - a practice that takes years to perfect, not to mention all those knots you have to tie. She could be really into clothespins or needle play or some other truly craft-based skill you would have to acquire. But as far as I’ve heard, she’s not! She just wants you to talk. Lucky, luck you.

The trope of the Daddy Dom is easily cashed in on. We’ve all seen it. He’s the stern authoritarian who has a soft spot deep in his heart. He’ll examine your school uniform to make sure nothing is out of place before throwing you over his lap for a spanking, but then shower you with kisses after. There’s shades of Daddy Dom all throughout the Western Canon. Mr Darcy. Professor Snape. I’ve got a soft spot for Esteban Reyes from Weeds and the infamous scene where he throws Nancy over his lap for a spanking (formative). When you’re channeling your inner Daddy Dom, think of some pop culture role models you can emulate to tap into the fantasy that is unspooling itself in your girlfriend’s mind. If you’re comfortable, ask her about some of her fictional crushes, then do your homework. BDSM is all about playing with our common cultural messaging and material. It’s about mucking around in the collective unconscious. At the end of the day, it’s a creative undertaking, and creative output is equal to creative input. Just like a writer who doesn’t read well can’t write well, you can’t Dom if you don’t know what you’re emulating.

At the end of the day, kink is a creative undertaking, and creative output is equal to creative input. Just like a writer who doesn’t read well can’t write well, you can’t Dom well if you don’t know what you’re emulating.

Beyond watching a few movies, you can deploy some simple hacks in bed. Start by not letting her do anything in bed that you haven’t told her to do. Not a move. And if she does anything she hasn’t been ordered to, it’s “Did Daddy tell you you could do that?” and a spanking. From there, you’ll be forced into a role of having the confidence to direct the action. Another great way to wrap your mind around what kind of style you might have in bed is to take the BDSM test with your girlfriend, and compare notes. This is a great way to begin a conversation about what you both want and need. Then start playing! If you feel safe with her and you two have created a bond of two-way trust through continued conversations about what you like in bed, it will keep you from clamming up when the moment comes. Then, after all is said and done, AFTERCARE. Hold her, tell her how good she is and how much you care for her, and make sure you’re on the right track by asking her how it felt when you did x, y, and z. You’ll be on your way to becoming her Dream Daddy in no time!