photo via  @ninmagazine

photo via @ninmagazine

Hi! I’m a new sub and also bi and I’m in my first 24/7 Dom/sub relationship / first-ever BDSM relationship. I just read your article on threesomes and felt spoken to when you mentioned being in a previous open relationship gone wrong. I have had the hardest time being able to fully submit, because I feel like the triggering things from my past are just itching at my soul and are not allowing me to let my Dominant properly guide me deeper into kink. I’m still very, very new, but we have been together a year. How were you able to find yourself to be so trusting with your Dom? How long into your relationship did you start having threesomes?

Hello little sub! Congratulations on your first 24/7 relationship and on this exciting exploration you’re doing. In order to fully answer your question, I’m going to take you on a little trip back in time to meet New Sub Me.

New Sub Me was thrilled, jazzed, high on life, loving every minute of discovering her kink. She was also terrified that this new joy was about to disappear at any moment. So she was jealous, paranoid, and had the instagram handles of all of her Dom’s exes not only memorized, but basically on speed dial. She worried constantly, and she kept her worries from her Dom at all costs. Because, she thought, if He saw her vulnerability, she would no longer be a Cool Hot Bad Ass Sub Bitch, but would - gasp - be just another GIRL.

I’ll say to you now what I wish someone had said to New Sub Me: you cannot deepen your submission without vulnerability. Having feelings, being fragile, and being real have all been stigmatized by our cis-hetero-patriarchal culture to the point that it cripples us in our relationships. How am I supposed to have an intimate, mutually supportive relationship with another human without having FEELINGS, being FRAGILE or being REAL? You Dom needs to know you - the real you - in order to dominate you and lead you further towards your happiest, subbiest self.

So what does “being real” with your current partner about past relationships mean? I’ll give you an example. My ex once seriously violated one of the terms of our open relationship in an obvious attempt to hurt me. He went out with someone else when I expected him to come home. When he was late, I called him, texted him, raised the alarm. He didn’t answer. I stayed up all night worried he was in a car accident before passing out. I woke up in the morning to find him lying on the couch pretending nothing was wrong. So now, I have a little bit of trauma around my partner staying out late and not updating me in reasonable intervals about when He might be home. I told this story to Him so He has enough context to respect my boundaries, but without getting into a long, vengeful rant about my ex, unloading about what a dick he was, who the girl he was out with was, how I found her on LinkedIn afterwards and my thoughts on the dress she was wearing in her professional headshot - et cetera. You see the difference.

So the answer, little sub, is to use your sacred aftercare time to connect with your Dominant. Whisper sweet nothings about your trauma. Let your Dom in. Tell your Dom about your scars so he can step around them thoughtfully. Or apply salve. That’s what he’s there for. Then it’s on him to provide you with a track record of reliable behavior. To show you he can be consistent. And to build a foundation for you that you can take root in and really grow in your kinky self.

As for MY threesomes - they came well along the road to a good foundation of trust, and as I defined my boundaries around the threesomes and watched my Dominant respect them, they served to deepen our mutual trust and define the intensity of our connection. In real time? 8 months in.